Burdened Minds
by BriannaLayne
Summary: It's the first year of Harry Potter's life, and the threat of Voldemort is growing stronger by the day. Follow Lily, the Marauders and other Order members through their struggles and the First War. A/U. Please READ & REVIEW.
1. Emotion

**Title**: Burdens

**Rating**: M

**Summary**: The First War with Voldemort is climaxing offering no hope to any of those on the Light side. So from where does one get the courage and will to continue fighting? Follow our favourite Order members through their struggles during this difficult time. A/U.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or anything about the Potter magical world. I can claim credit for the portal of the characters, but the actual concept of these characters and others mentioned belong to the wonderful genius, J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter One**: Emotion

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"You're daughter is lovely," the young woman told the slightly elder woman, whom had been sharing a bench with her for the better half of two hours. Even the young red head was taken aback by her soft remark. She thought she simply told herself that, but shocked herself when she heard the words out loud.

The other woman, who couldn't have been more than half a decade older than the red head, offered a small smile. "Thank you," she replied. Both the women's gazes returned to the children at play in the park. The elder of the two, watching her child with a careful eye to make sure nothing bad would have happened; the younger of the two, simply getting lost in her own thoughts. It was an unusually warm day in early May, and every seemed to cure their cabin fever with a bit of time outdoors, especially after the dreadful winter they had this year.

The child, a girl of four or five years with shoulder length blond curls that bounced with her every step, ran over to her mother quite proud of herself indeed. "Look!" the girl cried thrusting her small fists in the red head's face with glee. It was then that the red head noticed her brilliant blue eyes. The child reminded her of the porcelain dolls she gushed over as a child herself. The red head offered a tiny smile, though let out a gasp when she saw the wart frog in the girl's hands. The little blond girl grinned toothily, revealing the spaces between her teeth. It was obvious she had recently lost some of her baby teeth.

The red head recovered by leaning forward and seeming interesting in the little girl's newfound trophy. "Did you find that all by yourself?" she questioned with a sweet, singsong-like voice. It was mesmerizing slightly, causing the elder to pause just for a moment and watch the two interact. The girl grinned wider and nodded eagerly. "Good for you!" the red head gushed. She paused, looking up at the girl's mother, who nodded with a grin. "What is your name, sweetie?"

The girl tilted her head curiously, forgetting about the frog in her little hands for a moment. "Samantha," the girl replied shyly.

The red head grinned at the girl. "You're not supposed to talk to strangers, huh?" The girl nodded. "Well, what if I was not a stranger. What if I was a friend? Would that be okay then?" The girl nodded apprehensively. "Can we be friends?" The girl shrugged, but the red head smiled. "My name is Lily. Nice to meet you."

The blond girl giggled. "Lilly? Like the flower?" She heard her mother clear her throat before she looked down, blushing. "Sorry."

"It's perfectly alright. Yes, Lily... like the flower," the young woman replied warmly. "Now how about we find a good place for Mr. Frog to stay? Frogs cannot live in houses like people do. They like to live by water." The girl listened, obviously soaking up the newly learned information. "Would you like to go find Mr. Frog's home?" The girl nodded, and began to back away from the bench getting ready to dart off towards the little pond on the other side of the park. Lily, the red head, shook her head though. "Why don't you leave that to me, okay Samantha?" Lily held her hand out for the frog, but the girl deposited it in her mother's hands. In the mean time, Lily dug in her bag next to her for a napkin wipe. She handed one to Samantha and one to her mother. "Here," the red head told the older woman before reaching for the frog. They didn't make her squirm. She was a tomboy growing up. "Would you just watch my purse?" The woman nodded.

Lily secured the frog between her palms before struggling to get up. She was about seven months pregnant now, and found that moving around simply wasn't getting easier. With a grunt, though, Lily managed to heave herself to her feet before waddling towards the pond. That was another thing that she wasn't aware of when she realised she was going to have a baby... the change to her normal strut. The walk, wiggling hips, which she was so used to was now replaced by a slow waddle. Usually, a hand would find her back for support as she struggled to move from one place to another. It wasn't going to get easier either. After a few minutes though, Lily returned to the bench, lowering herself slowly.

"Congratulations," the elder woman said, head indicating to her protruding belly. Lily, flushed from the unusual heat, sighed softly and grinned silently. "Do you know what you're having?" Lily shook her head no. "Surprises are better," the elder woman agreed. There was silence between the two again. "You're good with kids. Samantha is usually afraid of strangers."

Lily tilted her head, thought of her impeding motherhood fleeing for the moment. "You think?" she questioned, hinting at her reserved vulnerability and apprehension. She licked her lips nervously. "I hope so." Her hands moved to rest on the belly, which was beginning to take up her entire lap. "The baby is due mid-July," she continued a few minutes later. "If this heat continues, I don't know if I can make it."

The elder woman gave a knowing smile. "Samantha's birthday is the last week of August. Trust me, I understand." The two women's gazes returned to the children at play before them. The playground was unusually crowded, no doubt from the weather.

Lily shifted uncomfortably in her chair, either sensing something simply wasn't right or that the baby within her womb was getting restless. She absentmindedly rubbed her hands over her large middle, concluding that it was time to go. Lily plucked up her bag, turning her attention to the elder woman again. "It was nice talking to you," Lily said politely before struggling to stand again. The woman jumped up and offered the young woman a hand. "Thanks," she said with a grunt. "Have a lovely day." With that, she waddled off to a private spot and Disapparated back to her husband's house in Godric's Hollow.

------

"HOW COULD YOU HAVE BEEN SO FOOLISH!?" a chided voice screamed via Howler. The red head flushed embarrassed as she found out that, because she had visited the Muggle playground, Death Eaters had arrived, killing all the Muggles present. Her heart ached for the little blond girl and her mother. They were all so innocent. Lily had gotten them, as well as all the other Muggles at the playground, killed because she simply tried to escape her reality for just a few hours. The voice, via Howler, continued to go on, yelling at her for another good two minutes before falling flat onto the table before Lily, and ripped itself into small pieces.

Horrified, Lily looked up and out the small kitchen window into the backyard. Tears cascaded down her cheeks. She was guilty, and the only responsible party for why those people had been killed. She, Lily Evans... erm... Lily Potter (now) was responsible for the death of twenty Muggles, mainly women and children. Lily gulped, unable to stop her hormone-induced, gulit-induced tears from falling from her warm green eyes. Her stomach lurched finally, not giving her time to rush to the loo. In the knick of time, she silently Summoned the rubbish pin and proceeded to upchuck into it for the better half of an hour.

By the time her husband, the infamous James Potter, returned to the humble upper-middle class home in Godric's Hollow, Lily was sprawled on the floor, back against the wall, rubbish bin full of fowl-smelling substance next to her, cheeks stained from her tears. It was late, after the regular business hours would have ended. Business hours meant nothing to Lily anymore though. Their "real jobs" these days were only the beginning of their days though. Most of their friends seemed to have constant vigilance.

"Lily?" a male voice called upon entering the dark house. Usually, the fire would be lit and Lily would be curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea or sitting at the dining room table pouring over her own secret project: Untraceable Healing Charms and Items that could be taken to battles and on raids. Needless to say, coming home to such an empty feeling house was not the norm. The last time this happened, one of their dear friends had been found in their house dead with the Dark Mark cast eerily above the house. James' stomach lurched at the thought as he rushed forward, now fearful for all their mates' lives. "Lily!" he called more desperately.

Lily couldn't respond though. Her gaze was straight, but unfocused. One arm was wrapped around the rubbish bin, the other over her belly protectively clutching her wand, which was held at the ready despite her obviously distraught mood. She barely heard him; barely felt him drop down beside her and pry the rubbish bin from her arms.

Wordlessly, he wiped her tears with the pads of his thumbs, which shook slightly since he couldn't possibly fathom what had gotten the normally levelheaded woman this upset. He let her sit on the floor for a moment, leaning her head against him for support, but after too long, he helped her up and into a kitchen chair. He moved around the table and pulled the chair across from her out, seeming to take a seat but, instead lifting her legs up and onto them. He moved on, tapping the kettle on the stove with his wand, making it whistle. He first prepared a cup of tea for Lily just as she liked it: two lumps, a half-teaspoon of cream. Then he moved to the espresso machine and made a cup of espresso for himself.

She cradled the cup between her delicate palms, simply staring at the dark liquid idly. Though, when the smell of freshly brewed espresso hit her nose, she sniffed curiously looking longingly at the tiny espresso cup. She missed her coffee. She used to be addicted to it before she found out she was pregnant. Since then, everyone who knew of her pregnancy had been on her case about her caffeine addiction. He followed her gaze, finally realising his mistake and immediately gushed over his plunder. "Lily... I'm sorry... I forgot..." he stammered quietly. She shrugged a reply while he opened the kitchen window to rid the smell and dumped the contents down the sink. He then slid into the chair occupied by Lily's feet and placed her swollen ankles in his lap, and began to massage them as he simply waited until she was ready to talk.

Lily moaned softly at the foot rub. Even she couldn't deny the strain her body was taking these days. She didn't know how Molly could have done this five times already. Lily sunk lower in the chair, letting her eyes close. Though, when her heavy lids finally did close, she saw the horrific event in her mind- at least the image of the event she had concocted with her imagination. She gasped loudly, eyes flinging open, as she looked around panicked. She choked back a sob and began to cry all over again.

James jumped in his seat, immediately sensing Lily's panic. "Is it the baby?" he demanded. He desperately held onto her ankles though, as if she were about to Apparate away or something. She shook her head. He let out a huge sigh of relief. "What is it, Coach?" It was a nickname he had given her a long time ago. He didn't really know where it came from, but it slipped from his mouth one day and stuck ever since.

Lily shook her head. She couldn't possibly begin to explain it. She didn't know if she was emotionally stable enough for that. She gulped, staring at the wall past her doting husband, willing her exhaustion to not cause her lids to close again. She would need a potion to sleep tonight, though she doubted they had anymore Dreamless Sleep in their potions cabinet. Nightmares seemed to plague her during the past seven months. Finally, she sighed, placing the cup on the table. Her hands were trembling. "I... I went to the park today..." she started very softly as if the walls had ears. "The one I used to go to with Petunia and Severus when we were children..." She tried to ignore his tightened grip at the sound of her former childhood playmate's name. "Just to think... try to relax and clear my thoughts. I didn't do anything but sit on the bench. I barely talked to anyone, but..." She shuddered, tears freely falling from her eyes. "But they tracked me down just moments after I left." She knew he would understand what she was referring to. "And... and... they _demolished_ everyone...." She trailed off, not able to go on.

James nodded, understanding everything unspoken, then sighed. He rose, placing her swollen limbs back on the seat, and went over to her, engulfing her shoulders in a hug. He didn't know what to say to comfort her. She had been told time and time again that she couldn't risk her life like that. Where she went, she risked the baby's life too. And, unfortunately, he couldn't be there all the time to protect her. "You were lucky," he finally said as he slipped into the seat beside her. He wanted to scold her for leaving the safety of their home and their friends' watch. She _had_ been foolish. He couldn't deny that. "Just..." He stopped himself though, and placed a hand on her swollen belly. He couldn't do anything to protect that child. If Lily chose to be stupid, then she risked both her life and his unborn child's life. "Be careful, please." His eyes, deep and emotional, stared into her own brilliant emerald eyes expressing all the unspoken words swarming in her head. She sighed, and broke the gaze. His gaze pierced her uncomfortably.

"I love you, James," she whispered. "Don't ever die."

He chewed at his lip. "I have bad news, Coach," he replied even softer. This was going to be the hardest thing he ever had to tell her. He wouldn't blame her if she hexed him from there to the Americas across the pond. He suddenly became interested in the hem of his shirt. "Dumbledore's got a mission for me. Top secret Order business. Only he and I know of it... I have to go." He refused to look up. "We have to leave... tonight at midnight." He looked at the clock over the range. "In three hours." He refused to look at her expression. "I do not know when I'll be back."

She spat at him, mumbles things that only could come out of a sailor's mouth... thing he had never heard her say before- he didn't even know she was capable of it. He knew she was independent, strong willed, and he knew she could get through this. Unfortunately, she didn't know if she could get through this. He placed a hand on her belly again, but dropped it immediately when she winced away from his touch as if he was hurting her. He knew he was hurting her, but he didn't know it would hurt _him_ too. "I love you too, Lily," he added. She huffed, immediately kicking over the chair with tears spilling off her chin.

"You don't!" she accused raising her voice at him. She struggled, as quickly as she could in her current condition, out of her chair. She rose so fast, she nearly lost her balance as she stumbled out of the room. She paused, breaking several dishes in the sink. She threw them at him, hoping to hurt him... hoping he could feel a fraction of the pain and betrayal she felt in that moment. "How could you POSSIBLY love me?" she demanded throwing more dishware at him- pots, pans, glasses, and utensils. "Getting me into this mess..." she gestured at her swollen form. "...and then leaving me in the final weeks? No. You do not love me, James Potter. And, I don't know if I love you either. The James Potter I loved would never do this to me. You... bastard, COWARD. I HATE YOU. Leave. Now. Don't come back." With that, she left the kitchen, stomped up the stairs, locked the bedroom door and began wailing heart-wrenching sobs that nearly shook the house with remorse and sorrow.

What she was incapable of seeing, though, was the fact that he, too, had began to shed the same tears with the same sorrows and remorse.

------

_Thanks for reading the first installment of this new FanFic! Please let me know what you think, any ideas or suggestions you might have, or anything else you want to say! I'm not sure if I'm going to continue with this, so your feedback is MOST appreciated. _

_Thank you, again, and __**PLEASE REVIEW**__!!_


	2. Surviving

**Title**: Burdens

**Rating**: M

**Summary**: The First War with Voldemort is climaxing offering no hope to any of those on the Light side. So from where does one get the courage and will to continue fighting? Follow our favourite Order members through their struggles during this difficult time. A/U.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or anything about the Potter magical world. I can claim credit for the portal of the characters, but the actual concept of these characters and others mentioned belong to the wonderful genius, J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter Two**: Surviving

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The door creaked open a jar before it was flung open with force. Normally, in such a circumstance, she would have reached over to the nightstand for her wand and had it at the ready in a mere second. Anything could have blasted that door open, and most likely it wasn't a friend, but rather a foe. However, instead of reacting much, Lily groaned loudly and drew a spare pillow to cover her head. "Go away," she grumbled.

It was hot. It was the hottest summer on record in over twenty years. Of course, with her luck, it would be the hottest summer. Though it was only just about a quarter past eight in the morning, her red hair was already damp with sweat. She felt hot, clammy and much like a beached whale. She couldn't roll over with ease, nor stand or move without help really. She willed this to be a nightmare, though it seemed to be the morning routine. James and Dumbledore left on their mission nearly a month ago, leaving poor, pregnant Lily Potter by herself- well, in the care of the other three Marauders.

"Nonsense!" chimed a voice that could only belong to Sirius Black. He crossed the room and plopped down on the bed next to the grumpy Lily. Gingerly, he plucked the pillow away from her face and threw it at Peter Pettigrew, the odd ball of the foursome, in Lily's humble opinion. "You look dreadful in the mornings. No wonder why Prongs left." His smile full of crooked teeth told her that he was teasing her, as always, but this was too much for her.

Luckily Peter swooped into the room, saving Sirius arse from a serious hexing. "Rise and shine, Lils," he started a bit more apprehensive. "You cannot sleep June away, you know." He offered a ratty smile, approaching the bed on the other side. The rat opened his mouth once more, but Sirius cut him off.

"You know," Padfoot continued beginning to poke at Lily's overly large abdomen, which was now nearing it's final month of gestation. "Based on the size of you, you'd think you were having an entire litter of Prongsies."

Lily groaned and hit Sirius over the head. "GET OUT!" she cried, exhausted and frustrated. She resented James- loathed him for making her into this state of pregnancy and depression. And she hated his mates. HATED them. "OUT OUT OUT!" she gasped, nearly running out of air because her belly was so large it squished all her other internal organs.

She was on the brink of tears when the third entered the room. Remus (fondly known as Moony) was her favourite of the three. He was quiet and thoughtful, and he seemed to be the most caring and least stupid. He had the smallest ego and the biggest heart. And he seemed to understand and listen to Lily's frustrations and angers, even before she married James. He was the only one she'd talk to about her childhood friend all the Marauders seemed to hate. Remus seemed to understand and honour her past relationships.

"You heard the woman," Remus announced softly. People didn't seem to mess with him. He didn't speak often or loud, but when he did, he could take command of a room and the situation. It never seemed to fail him. Sirius slid off the bed and Peter trailed after him. Lily could hear them marching down the corridor and the stairs, and could almost picture their tails between their legs. "Good," Moony continued as he heard the stairs creek. He Summoned the breakfast tray he had been preparing and then locked the door to keep the other two out.

In the mean time, Lily sunk back down the bed, pulling the thin sheet over her head. She was still hoping this all was a nightmare and that she'd wake up in James' arms. "Don't!" she cried as she felt the sheets gently being tugged away. She found a concerned looking face staring down at her.

Remus sighed to himself. It had been like this every morning for a month. Sirius and Peter would bound into the room trying to get the emotional, sad woman out of bed any way they could before Remus would come swooping in. Lily hadn't been doing well since James left. She had a hard time sleeping (even considering the pregnancy, heat and threat at large) and she seemed to lack the motivation to care for herself. She took to being busy right away for a couple days until she realised that James really wasn't coming back for a while. Then she cried herself to sleep for three weeks. And here they were today.

Remus moved towards the bay windows and drew back the curtains, allowing the light to shine into the room. "It's going to be a hot one," he whispered offhand before moving to the tiny loo within the suite of the cottage. He dampened a washcloth with cool water before moving back to the bed. He dabbed the cold towel on Lily's brow and the back of her neck. He only let out a sigh of relief when he heard her breath relax. "You shouldn't go out too long today. It'll be too hot. You don't look well, either."

Lily snorted to herself. "Of course I don't look well. I'm eight and a half months pregnant in the hottest summer in nearly two decades, and my husband left me with a bunch of daft blokes who don't even know how to deal with my hormones. No offense, Rem," she added on second thought. "And I'm thirty pounds heavier than usual. My back hurts. My feet hurt. I can't stop sweating. I can't sleep. I'm never comfortable." She shook her head. And opened her mouth to continue, but Remus cut her off.

"-Well, you look better than I would if I was in your place," he said softly as he ran the cloth along Lily's brow again, frowning at the beads of sweat that managed to appear in the couple minutes from the first time he wiped her brow. Without waiting for a response, Remus set the cloth aside and pulled back the sheets. "Come on, let's get you up."

Lily shook her head though and groaned. "I don't want to get up," she whined softly, emerald eyes glistening with tears. She turned her head the other way. She couldn't move her body even if she wanted to. It was embarrassing enough that the three blokes pounced on her every morning while she was in a simple tank top that was far too small and danty little panties that left her entire leg to be exposed.

"I know," Remus mumbled. They went through this every morning. He placed a hand on her swollen belly. It was roughly the size of a Quaffle these days.... maybe even a Quaffle and a half. Lily was large. He was worried for her health. She refused to see a Healer since James left. She wasn't taking care of herself- just in complete denial of her situation. "He's quiet this morning. That means he kept you up all night, hmm?"

Lily bit her lip. She hated this. She hated everything and reverted to complete denial. She showed up at the last Order meeting declaring she wanted to go on a mission. McGonagall, the interim Head of the Order, was left speechless for the first time. Her wand had been drawn and ready for emphasis and Lily took in all the faces staring at her. Dumbledore hadn't let her attend the Order meetings for months now.

"Lily?" Remus questioned when she fell silent. He pulled her out of her reverie. Then he noticed the tears sliding down her cheeks. He sighed inaudibly and let himself sit on the bed next to her. Normally, he wouldn't cross this line but it seemed necessary today. "Lils, I miss him too but just laying down and not living your life isn't helping anyone. He'll be back, but if you don't start caring for yourself, you might not be able to show him your son. You really need to start letting us- well, at least me- help you out here." Remus frowned. "Are you listening to me?"

Lily choked back a silent sob. "The last thing I told him was that I hated him..." she whispered softly. "I can't do this anymore. I can't do this alone. I'm going to go find him whever he is and bring his sorry arse home."

Remus placed a hand on her shoulder. "No offense, Lils, but you can't even get up by yourself. Getting yourself killed isn't productive. We need your mind, anyways. No one else can work on those Healing Charms like you. The Order is really counting on you, and you haven't touched them since James left."

Lily sniffed. Remus was right. People were counting on her, but she was being selfish and didn't care. Remus stood from the bed. "I'll leave you alone now, but not for long. Marlene is coming over today for tea. I think she might bring Emmeline. And I'm going to make the blokes go to the pub for a pint or two and get them out of your hair." With that, Remus crossed the room. When he paused, he added, "Please try to eat something. At least some protein for the baby..." And then he exited, leaving Lily sobbing silently on the bed. This happened every morning.

------

A few weeks later, around two in the morning, a large crashing sound could be heard from the second story of the modest Godric's Hollow cottage. Peter and Remus were both on duty for the Order, working on their separate missions, leaving Sirius with his special night project: Lily-watching. Sirius had thought it would be a good idea to have a pint or two at the pub in Lily's honour, so he stumbled home nearly ten minutes before the loud crash with alcohol on his breath and a pleasant, familiar spinning sensation in his head. Though when he heard the large noise, the slight buzz completely wore off. He took the stairs two at a time, wand extended ready for anything.

Lily couldn't fall asleep that evening. She finally had some time to herself, which she greatly needed, but the nights were the hardest. It was when she missed James the most. She hated that she was so dependent on him. She was a Gryffindor, for Merlin's sake.... strong-willed, stubborn and determined. But lately she was moodly, overly eomtional and needy- and she hated it. She couldn't sleep that night, much like every night. It was mid-July at this point, and hot and humid. Cooling Charms didn't help anymore, and she was miserable, but going through an intense nesting phase.

"Oh bloody hell!" she exclaimed as she watched from her position on the unsteady ladder as the curtain rod fell to the floor. Dumbledore, a long time ago, had ordered them not to use too much magic in the cottage. It could be tracked, and thus, they could be found. It made logical sense, though in her current state, it made everything so much more difficult.

Sirius rushed into the room. He rarely went in the spare room, which had been converted to a nursery these days. But when he saw Lily on the unsafe ladder, he shook his head and leaned against the doorframe, watching her struggle for but a moment. He knew she didn't know he was there. "You better watch your tounge when that baby can start to talk," he teased. What he didn't expect was to frighten her as much as he did, causing her to lose balance and slip off the ladder. He wasn't there in time to catch her from falling straight onto the curtain rod, but he was able to get to the ladder before it toppled on top of the heavily pregnant woman.

The room was eerily silent for a moment or two. Sirius, frozen with the ladder in hand, watch as Lily, wide-eyed, gasped for a breath of air, which had been knocked out of her. What he didn't expect, though, was for the woman (whom he deemed as strong considering she was a female) to cry out in pain, and roll to her side clutching her belly and withering around as if she were under an Unforgiveable Curse. "Oh bloody hell," he murmured, casting the ladder aside and falling to his knees. He took Lily's head in his lap and stroked her hair to try to calm her down.

Lily's eyes stung as the hot tears fell down her cheeks. She wasn't sure where this sharp pain originated from, but it was now centered in the middle of her rippling stomach. Her eyes widened. Labour? "Too soon..." she gasped out. It was too soon for the baby to come. The arms around her tightened. She turned her head to cry into Sirius' chest. "James... I want James.." she wailed.

Sirius bit his lip. They had no communication with the bloke in weeks. James was like a brother to Sirius. His heart ached for his better half to return, too. They sat like that for at least ten minutes. The pain quickly subsided, as did the panic. Sirius finally rose, pulling Lily into his arms. Though she had an extra thirty pounds on her, she was only one-hundred and thirty pounds. She was a very petite woman. He crossed the corridor, Lily in tow, and laid her on the bed before moving to the loo and fetching a vial of Dreamless Sleep. Merlin knew she needed it. He masked the label before forcing down her throat and explaining it was her prenatal potion that she always forgot to take. He sat in a rocker, then, and waited for the potion to take effect in the exhausted, frightened Lily.

Looking out the window, into the starry night sky, Sirius sighed. "Come home, Prongsies. She needs you bad." He wouldn't leave her... not tonight. Though he didn't manage to get a wink of sleep himself, he sat attentively doing his 'brother' duty by watching over his exhausted, fragile wife as she slept soundly (albeit, a forced sleep) for the first time in six weeks.

------

_Thanks for reading the first installment of this new FanFic! Please let me know what you think, any ideas or suggestions you might have, or anything else you want to say! I'm not sure if I'm going to continue with this, so your feedback is MOST appreciated. _

_Thank you, again, and __**PLEASE REVIEW**__!!_


	3. Strength

**Title**: Burdened Minds

**Rating**: M

**Summary**: The First War with Voldemort is climaxing offering no hope to any of those on the Light side. So from where does one get the courage and will to continue fighting? Follow our favourite Order members through their struggles during this difficult time. A/U.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or anything about the Potter magical world. I can claim credit for the portal of the characters, but the actual concept of these characters and others mentioned belong to the wonderful genius, J.K. Rowling.

**Chapter Three**: Strength

------

"Checkmate!" Lily exclaimed happily as she reached into the bowl of popcorn to throw a few pieces at Sirius. It was late July now, the evening of the 29th to be exact. Remus was off, dealing with his monthly furry issues and Peter had been gone for a few days now too, on his own duties for the Order. Sirius was the one babysitting Lily these days, and despite her original dislike for the man, they had grown closer because of this ordeal.

"I never liked Wizard's Chess," Sirius muttered dryly as he watched his Knight explode in front of his face.

Lily pursed her lips teasingly. "You liked it last game when you won," she pointed out. She reached for the popcorn again, but paused mid-reach, wincing.

Sirius frowned at the red head. "That's the hundredth time you've winced tonight, Lils. Are you sure you're okay?" he questioned with concern. The baby could come at any time now, which was why he seemed to be overly concerned.

Lily waved her hand though. "Fine," she replied. Though, the annoying pains she felt came and went without explanation. It had been going on for the better part of two hours now. A pain at the base of her lower back made her pause again though. She grimaced and groaned softly. The popcorn slid from her hands to the floor and her hands reached for her back, wincing more. "Ow ow ow," she muttered.

Sirius was next to her on the couch in a moment, kneading at the muscles she had been complaining about all day. She never vocalised her sore back as much as she did this evening. He opened his mouth to question her, but before he could, she said, "Back spasms. That's all." He frowned and rubbed his hands over her back.

"I think you should owl Andromeda or Molly though. You've had a lot of random pains today," he muttered.

Given the Prophecy (which no one, save Lily and Alice knew about), Dumbledore had emplored it was too dangerous to deliver at any hospital. They had to use their inside resources, namely Andromeda (who was a Medi-witch by trade, specialising in midwife studies) and Molly (who had enoguh children to be deemed an expert in the field), as their personal Healers. Depending on how the labours turned out, Lily would be delivering at the Burrow or the Tonks Cottage and Alice would take the other. If, the time between was long enough, both would be at the Tonks Cottage since it was far less crowded. Alice was closer to Molly than Lily. And neither really knew Andromeda all that well, so it was decided that Andromeda would be Lily's contact while Molly was Alice's go-to person. Molly just seemed friendlier though. Both witches were ready and waiting for either Lily or Alice to pop, though.

"C'mon Lils," Sirius continued. "Humour me, yeah? Besides, no ankle massage tonight if you don't just owl one of them to check on you. I'll get the parchment..." His hands paused on her back to emphasize his point about the massage. Lily groaned in protest to the massage stopping. "I'll take that as a yes." In a few second, Sirius was back, parchment and quill in hand, and a snowy owl flapping behind him awaiting the memo.

Lily groaned. It was a little back spasm! But she wrote a quick note to Molly, and attached it to elegant white owl's outstretched leg. "Take it to the Burrow, precious," she whispered patting the bird fondly. The snowy owl was a rare bird. Lily hadn't ever seen another like hers in all her years in the Wizarding World. The owl hooted and flew off into the darkness. Lily bit her lip and watched the owl go before wincing again. What if Sirius was right? What if this was the beginning of the end?

------

Three defeats at Chess and about an hour later, Lily, once again, was throwing victory popcorn at Sirius laughing as she did so. She hadn't laughed in just about two months. She forgot she had the ability to do so. Sirius felt better too. He hadn't seen her wince during the hour, and was less worried about Baby Prongs popping out right then and there. He frowned when he saw Lily stiffen though. She gurgled back a choked moan, and grabbed at her back again. But just as the moan started, emerald flames consumed the fireplace, and Molly Weasley, a plump red-headed woman, emerged.

"I see I haven't come a moment too soon," Molly announced, immediately springing towards Lily. The older red-head was still carrying a bit of extra weight. She had had a baby earlier in the year, herself. Her son and Lily's child would most likely attend Hogwarts together. "My, my. Child, you've gotten so big since the last time I saw you." Molly helped Lily off the couch and looked over her again. "Are you certain you're not having twins?" Molly shook her head. "How long have you been moaning and groaning like this?"

Lily groaned at her teasing. Everyone teased her. She didn't think she took to pregnancy well. Alice looked radiant. Lily thought she looked plump and awkward. Lily sighed, not wanting to look at Sirius. "It's not consistent. Just a bit more than a kick randomly." She shrugged. "It's been happening since this afternoon." Lily pointedly ignored the muttered coming from Sirius at that point. ("What!?" Sirius had exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me? This afternoon!? Merlin...")

"And when is your due date?" Molly questioned, ignoring Sirius as well. She never liked the bloke- nor James, but Lily seemed to be alright.

Lily frowned in thought. "I don't think I was ever told a specific date... just end of July." She shrugged.

"We'll have to get you to Andromeda's, then," Molly announced. "To be safe, of course. Where are your things?"

Sirius piped up then. Andromeda was his favourite counsin. "I'll get her bag," he announced. "Should I meet you at Andy's?"

Molly frown. "No. We will wait. Then you can let the others know... Moe and Curly or whatever you call them."

Lily stifled a giggle. "Thanks Sirius," she said softly looking slightly frightened of what was to come. "He really can't come though? He's the godfather..."

Molly huffed slightly. "Fine, fine. Meet us there. Don't bring anyone else. It'll be crowded enough." Molly quickly sent a Patronus to Andromeda before taking Lily's arm. "We can't Floo, it isn't safe," she explained. "I'll Side-Along you, if that's alright." Lily nodded, feeling slightly weak in the knees. For two months, she figured James would at least be back for the birth. She couldn't do this alone. Molly offered a sympathetic grin at the unspoken thoughts before Disapparated with a loud CRACK.

------

It had been a rough night for the young Lily Potter. Ted Tonks and Nymphadora, the small Tonks child, had cleared out of the Cottage by the time Lily and Molly arrived. Ted and Dora were staying at the Burrow with the Weasleys, and Molly and Andromeda stayed with Lily. The pains worsened until around midnight, when they seemed to stop. Both older women seemed grateful, and retired soon after. Lily, though, struggled to sleep and was plagued with horrid nightmares when she did manage to fall asleep. Three or four times, heavy cramps would wake her up too.

By morning- well, about mid-morning- when Lily stumbled down the back set of stairs into the kitchen, she looked dreadful. Dark circles, pale colouring and a general shake to her normally steady hand were evident. The older witches insist that she try to eat, rest, walk, eat more, rest more, walk more through the entire morning and early afternoon. The pains came more consistently, but nothing that would require any screaming. Lily was constantly in a state of sweat and fatigue. She was in good hands, though.

Around mid-afternoon. the three women were seated in the living room. Lily was experiencing real contractions by now- and had been for hours already, grunting and moaning around. Molly helped her breathing as Andromeda counter-pressured her back pains. Lily was wide-eyed, much like a doe in the headlights, and sweating profusely. "I can't do this!" she exclaimed only to receive knowing smiles. She fell back against the cushions exhausted.

"You can, dear," Andromeda coaxed softly. "And you will. It's not that bad yet. You just have a stubborn baby, but-"

She was cut off though by a pop in the backyard, and an anxious couple rushing in moments later. It was obvious that Molly and Andromeda were both friends of the couple by their greetings. The woman, Alice, was heavily pregnant too, just like Lily, and seeming to experience contractions, as well.

"Her water just broke," the man, whom was later introduced to Lily as Frank Longbottom, explained. "She's only been having contractions for an hour, but they're already ten minutes apart!"

The older woman doubled over in pain then, tightly gripping her husband's hand. Lily's heart ached for James in that moment. "Eight minutes," the woman groaned miserably. All five people present were surprised to hear a louder moan escape Lily's mouth as the youngest of the group, gripped her own belly in pain. Alice raised a brow as she panted. "This is going to be... interesting."

The rest of the afternoon was chaotic. It was obvious after the first hour that the Longbottoms arrived, that Alice's labour was progressing much more quickly. What was even more frightening was that Lily's labour seemed to be twice as painful and drawn out. Alice's contractions were down to two minutes apart in three hours. Lily's still weren't consistent, but much worse. Even Alice began to sympathize for the young woman. Frank, who passed out from all the excitement, was long gone leaving Lily and Alice to fend for themselves. Molly was in and out to check on her family, as was Andromeda, who seemed to join Molly running between the Burrow and the Tonks Cottage.

Come dinner time, Alice's contractions were too close together for her to walk around. Lily paced the yard nervously, muscles aching and fatigue setting in, while Alice laid on a lounge chair chew at ice chips. Every 45-60 seconds, Alice would cry out in pain, but it was nothing compared to the agony screams that came from Lily. It was peculiar, and unexplainable. Around seven that evening, Frank and Alice were escorted to the birthing suite Andromeda arranged and emerged an hour later, with wide grins and a blue bundle in tow.

"His name is Neville," Frank explained as the five (well- six now) crowded in the additional bedroom. Alice looked exhausted and weak, but seemed happy, refusing to let go of her son.

"He's perfect," she whispered as Frank kissed her forehead.

"No, you're perfect," he corrected her. The scene was enough to break Lily down into loud sobs. By nightfall, Alice, Frank and little Neville had returned home. Molly was gone by then, too, as it was Andromeda with all the training and experience.

------

By the first light of morning, Andromeda was secretly glad for the ancient spells she had on the cottage. The Silencing Charm proved to be the most useful one thus far, as Lily seemed to be in utter agony. Andromeda sympathised for the younger woman, who couldn't seem to stop crying out. Andromeda didn't know what to do, and eventually Pantronus'd Sirius to see if the company would help Lily. It did, of course. He was more comfort to her than anyone else, save for James.

Sirius (and Remus, who showed up around lunchtime) took turns walking with Lily, talking to her, helping her through the pain, wiping her brow of sweat. It was no use though. By late afternoon, her contractions were ten minutes apart, her head was drenched in sweat and Lily was getting obviously tired. She had been at this for nearly two days now. By dinner, Lily's contractions were seven minutes apart and the pain was worse than ever. It was Remus that finally sent James a Patronus with a simple message: the sound of a rooster crowing. They had long established that the sound would be used to indicate that Lily was in labour- just in case. It proved to come in handy.

Although, Lily proved the Patronus to be sent prematurely. Her water didn't break until around half past eight, and then all hell seemed to break loose. "Light a match and SMOKE IT OUT!" Lily screamed around ten the evening of the 31st. She had now been in labour for forty-eight hours, much to everyone's amazement. She was far too exhausted to do anything but lay in the large bed, and grip a hand through the contraction. Her body shook from pain and exhaustion, and Andromeda was fearful that the birth might take a turn for the bad. They might need to go Mungo's after all.

Remus winced at Lily's screams, hating to see her in so much unbearable pain. He dipped the cloth in the icy water, and ran it across her brow again. She was burning up. Sirius refused to leave her side, though he was quite certain she broke all his fingers hours ago. From time to time, one of the two would slip an ice chip in her mouth knowing that it was the least they could do. Unfortunately, no one could help her or ease her pain. Either bloke would have been ready and willing if they could simply endure the pain themselves just to give the poor red-head a break.

By eleven that evening, Lily couldn't stop shaking. The contractions were about two minutes apart, and she had lost her voice from screaming in agony. Remus had to leave then, going on third shift duty for the Order, leaving Sirius in charge of Lily. He took the cloth, and constantly wiped the sweat away, trying to talk her through the pain without much success.

Half past eleven was when Andromeda started to worry. Lily had been shutting down. She stopped breathing through the pain, stopped trying to push through. She was ready to push and give birth, but she squeezed her legs together and refused. It was obvious to the Medi-witch that Lily's fatigue was taking over. The tiny, scared woman began complaining of seeing black spots and unbearable pain. Instead of trying to push, she squeezed her legs together, and refused.

"Don't do this!" Sirius exclaimed, screaming in his own frustration. "You have to push! You will die and so will your baby!" Andromeda had already pulled him aside, voicing her concerned over the little red-head. The Medi-witch was afraid she would die giving birth.

"NO!" Lily would cry out, bawling and wriggling around in pain. She wouldn't do this without James, and if she could just hold out until the 1st of August, the Prophecy would not effect her baby. She would hold her legs together until the cows came home if it meant her baby would be safe for life.

------

By eleven-thirty, Lily was so tired. She couldn't fight the darkness that was struggling to come over her. Her lids grew heavy, and everyone began to sound very far away.

"There's nothing we can do. It's too late to take her to Mungo's," Andromeda whispered as she watched the young red head gasp for air.

Sirius felt his eyes water. "NO," he cried. "No, Lily... you can't. You cannot die! I won't let you!" He clutched her hand tightly, hoping if he held on tight enough, she wouldn't be able to go anywhere. "Please, Lily..." He licked his lips nervously. "I love you, please..."

The confession was soft, and whispered into Lily's ear only. Her eyes fluttered open, but squeezed shut. She panted with pain as her belly would visibly tighten every 45 seconds or so.

"I need a fag, damnit!" Sirius cried out suddenly. "Fuck." He was shaking slightly. He couldn't watch her die. He refused to. He slipped his hand from her grasp and pulled a pack of cigarette from his pocket. He couldn't light the thing because his hands were trembling so much. "DAMNIT." He threw the items aside.

Andromeda felt helpless, rooted in her spot. It was too late to get the girl to Mungo's. Transporting her now would kill her if she didn't die before then. Tears cascaded down her face as she watched her cousin. She had never seen him get so upset over anything before, especially a bird that wasn't even his.

A loud POP broke the tension, weary and sorrow in the room. A coughing figure, scruffier and thinner than normal but immediately recognisable, appeared instantly just as Sirius finally allowed a sob to escape his throat. The sob was replaced by a gasp, then a growl. James Potter? It couldn't be. But it was! He was too late. "YOU KILLED HER!" Sirius bellowed, tears glistening in his eyes. Andromeda reached out for her cousin, but she couldn't help but agree. James left his wife for something else... work, as Sirius explained it. How could he?

"WHAT!?" James sputtered, still feeling a bit dizzy from Apparating so long of a distance. He had only received Moony's Patronus moments ago!

"It's true," Andromeda added softly. "I'm so sorry. There was nothing we could do..."

James' gaze immediately snapped to the figure in the bed, still gasping for air yet unresponsive to the voices in the room. His eyes widened as he took in her appearance: eneromous belly, pale face, exhausted figure. It looked like the life had been just sucked out of her. At first, James was convinced this wasn't Lily, but the red hair was a dead give-away. James froze in his spot, heart in his throat. No. This can't be happening.

"YOU FUCKING KILLED HER," Sirius exploded. "SHE NEEDED YOU SO BAD AND YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR HER..." He went on to include several foul things that should never be repeated.

"OUT. GET OUT!" James boomed louder. Sirius' eyes widened. He shook his head. He wasn't stupid enough to leave her. Andromeda shrank towards the door and leaned against the frame in the threshold, watching as James seemd to hurl himself towards the bed. He took her hands immediately, brushed the damp hair from her face and kissed her as if he was in a Muggle fairytale.

"Lily, Lily... please.." James began to whisper, placing a hand on her belly. His eyes widened as he felt her muscles contract. His voice shook from that point on. "Lils... I-I am nothing with-without you. I need you. Your family needs you. P-please... d-don't give up. I'm so s-sorry. Gods. I am SO sorry, Lils. I do not deserve you... but I need you. I feel empty inside without you. You're needed HERE. You have unfinished business. You CANNOT do this. Lily!" James' voice began to get frantic. His eyes tearing up just as Sirius' and Andromeda's own orbs.

James opened his mouth to continue, speaking things from the heart without thought. But a blood-churning scream came from the dying woman. It was the kind of scream that started in the belly, and rose throughout one's entire being. The red head tipped her head back, and simply bellowed in more agony than ever before.

The scream brought Andromeda out of her reverie. She rushed forward, checking once more on the baby's progress. "I see a head!" she cried out, tears of relief streaming down her face. She instantly brought the bed to a new position, aiding the exhausted woman to sit up. "We haven't much time. James, climb in bed behind her. Lean her against your chest and help supposrt her. She's been at this for two days. She's beyond exhausted." The Medi-witch looked around. "Sirius, go get the fresh linens and warm water. Make sure the loo is clear and the nursery is ready. Now! Go!"

The room bustled with activity then, Sirius rushed around while James laid his wife against his chest and wrapped his arms around her to keep her steady. Lily, barely conscious, grabbed his hands tightly and fell against his chest with raspy breath. She forced her emerald eyes open. They were clouded with pain and fatigue. She was crying. "I hate you," she whispered before crying out in pain again. "I hate you b-b-because I love you."

"Save your breath!" Andromeda ordered. "You need all your strength. Push, Lily. I need you to push." She could see the girl trying as hard as she could. "Harder, Lily. You need to push harder." The screams were more frantic now, much more pain behind them. "He's never going to come out. Come on, Lily. You need to be stronger!"

"I can't," Lily whispered after the fourth attempt to push as she fell against James' chest. "Do it for me." Her beg made James' heart ache. Her grip on his hands began to loosen.

"She's fading!" he panicked.

It was Sirius who was calm this time around. He approached Lily, practically pushing James out of the way, and began whispering in her ear words of encouragement. "The next one," he said softly. He grabbed the back of her thigh and helped to keep her legs in the position Andromeda needed them. "Now, Lils. Here we go." And somehow, Lily screamed again and pushed as hard as she possibly could.

"Brilliant!" Andromeda cried moments later. "The head is out. Rest for a moment, Lily. The next part is the shoulders. You need to be strong."

Lilly fell back against James again, body drenched in sweat. Sirius grabbed the cloth and wiped her brow. "You did great," he whispered avoiding James' eye. James, too, was whispering in her ear. Sirius hoped he was apologising. He needed to, and even then, Lily was too good for him. James didn't deserve her, in Sirius' opinion.

Lily cried out in agony again, eyes closed tight against the pain. She leaned forward on her own, grabbing her legs. She bore down harder than ever before, screaming bloody murder that made Andromeda think she was going to go deaf. But it didn't matter. The tiny baby slipped out then, into the receiving towels. Lily crashed back against the bed, and wasn't responsive for a few moments.

"It's a boy!" Andromeda announced happily. "Born on the 31st of July. At..." She checked the clock. "11:59pm. Congratulations!" And then went about cleaning off the baby, checking his vitals and all. Once the baby was wrapped in clean blankets, Andromeda went about Healing the girl, first getting rid of the afterbirth, then stitching her up magically. She rummaged through her potions supplies and pulled out some potions, which she slipped down Lily's throat. It took a while, but Lily finally responded and came back from the darkness.

"Harry," Lily whispered, softly and faintly like a dying woman. "Harry Potter." She tried to reach out for him, but Andromeda simply placed him on the bed next to Lily.

"You're far too weak to hold him, darling. But you should be better soon. It might take up to a week or two though. We almost lost you... twice. You're a fighter, Lily Evans," Andromeda whispered, then realised her blunder. "Lily Potter."

"Harry James Potter," James corrected softly. "His name is Harry James Potter. And Sirius, you are his godfather. Andromeda... godmother." He gathered the bundle off the bed and into his arms just in time to see the baby open his eyes for the first time. James gasped. "He... he has Lily's eyes!" He held the baby out to see. It looked just like James, save for those dazzling green eyes. The room fell into a hushed silence as the four adults seemed to gaze to the newest addition, marveling in the fact that mother and child were both miraculously alive.

A silver eerie Fawkes-esque Patronus tapped at the window, breaking the silence that filled the room. James shook his head though. "No," he whispered casting his strong Prongs silver glow. "I'm needed here. I won't leave," he told the steed before sending it off galloping into the night to return his refusal to Dumbledore. He wouldn't leave Lily. Not again. Not when it was so apparent that she needed him so badly.

------

_As always, thank you very much for reading this installment of my story. Please feel free to give me suggestions of what you would like to see. And PLEASE __**PLEASE REVIEW **__this story! I promise if I get some reviews I'll start to add next chapter previews. All you have to do is click the lovely green button. THANKS!!_


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